New Study Confirms Clown World Expanding at 3.2% Annually
Researchers at the Institute for Applied Absurdity measured the planet’s clown radius and found it growing faster than GDP, waistlines, and the list of things you’re not allowed to notice.
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Politics
Congress Votes to Replace Themselves with ChatGPT After Realizing AI Is Less Corrupt
In a rare flash of self-awareness, lawmakers voted 431–4 to dissolve and hand the republic to a language model running on a refurbished Dell in the Capitol basement.
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Fauci Awarded Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Creative Use of Gain-of-Function
The trophy is a golden syringe. The acceptance speech was 19 minutes of “I am the science,” followed by a standing ovation from people who still wear masks in the shower.
Media Declares ‘Orange Man Bad’ Still the Only Acceptable Headline After a Decade
After a ten-year A/B test involving every other possible story on Earth, newsrooms concluded the original formula remains unbeaten, unkillable, and fully funded.
WHO Announces New Variant: ‘You Didn’t Social Distance Hard Enough’
The variant has no genome, no symptoms, and no treatment — only a press conference and a tote bag.
Federal Reserve Prints ‘Just One More Stimulus’ for the 47th Consecutive Quarter
Chair promises this is the last little taste, the one that finally fixes housing, eggs, and the sinking feeling in your checking account.
Silicon Valley Unveils AI That Fact-Checks Your Thoughts Before You Tweet
The model interrupts unsanctioned opinions at the synapse and replaces them with a verified talking point.
$POMCOIN Holders Report Sudden Onset of Based Energy and Improved Meme Game
Anecdotal evidence from the trenches suggests a wallet full of POMCOIN correlates with sharper jokes and a medically significant drop in cope.
University Replaces History Department With TikTok Dance Minor
Administrators said the change “meets students where they are,” which is a ring light in a dorm that used to be a library.
Climate Summit Attendees Arrive in 400 Private Jets to Discuss Reducing Emissions
Delegates agreed the planet is running out of time, then asked the tower for a later slot so they could finish the champagne.
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