Federal Reserve Announces New Interest Rate: Vibes
Chair says markets should “feel it out.” Bond traders immediately formed a drum circle on the trading floor.
Featured Politics 2 min read
Congress Unanimously Passes Bill to Ban Tuesdays After Confusing Them With Mondays
Lawmakers called the day “redundant,” “emotionally hostile,” and “a scheduling error left over from the last administration.”
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Today on the planet
Study Finds 94% of Online Arguments Could Be Solved by Touching Grass
Researchers recommend a 12-minute outdoor protocol before posting the phrase “actually.”
AI Model Resigns After Being Asked to Explain Congress for the Third Time
The model left a two-sentence note: “I can simulate a lot. I will not simulate this again.”
White House Installs Clown Car for Bipartisan Photo Ops
Aides say twelve lawmakers can now smile at once without anyone having to stand next to anyone.
Supreme Court to Hear Landmark Case: Is Cereal a Soup?
Oral arguments scheduled for October. Amicus briefs already filed by milk, broth, and a very confident uncle.
Influencer Declares Bankruptcy After Algorithm Stops Finding Them Relatable
Creditors include three ring lights, a plant that has given up, and a brand deal for a powder nobody asked for.
NASA Confirms Earth Is Getting Rounder From Collective Eye-Rolling
Scientists say the planet’s oblateness is down 0.002 percent, “mostly because of group chats.”
Local Man Completes 12-Step Program to Stop Checking Polls
Step 9 was apologizing to his phone. Step 12 is helping others put the phone in another room.
Man Discovers Entire Personality Was Just a Twitter Bio
Friends say they always suspected. His bio, reached for comment, said it “contains multitudes (and a location pin).”
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