WASHINGTON — In a rare display of bipartisan enthusiasm, Congress voted 531–0 to abolish Tuesday, citing “widespread public confusion with Monday” and “an unacceptable number of meetings that should have been emails, then should have been nothing.”
House leadership unveiled the Tuesday Elimination Act after a closed-door briefing in which several members reportedly asked why the week needed two days that feel the same. “The American people deserve a weekend that starts sooner and a workweek that stops lying to them,” said one senator, who later admitted he thought today was Wednesday.
The bill defines Tuesday as “any 24-hour period occurring after a disappointing Monday and before a Wednesday that still isn’t Friday.” Enforcement will be handled by the newly created Bureau of Calendar Integrity, which will issue fines for using the word “Tuesday” in official correspondence, Slack statuses, or brunch invitations.
Critics noted that the last time Congress moved this fast, the vote was on naming a post office. Supporters called that a smear. “This is about dignity,” said a staffer, stuffing a wall calendar into a shredder. “Also we had a lot of hearings scheduled for Tuesday and this was easier.”
The White House praised the measure as “common-sense calendar reform.” Asked what happens to people born on a Tuesday, a spokesperson said they would be “grandfathered in as honorary Mondays” and offered a commemorative sticker.
