GOODLETTSVILLE, Tenn. — Dollar General announced it has acquired the last useful pieces of Spirit Airlines: one yellow Airbus, a hangar banner, and the legal right to charge you for existing.
The new carrier will fly as Dollar General Airlines. Officials said the match was obvious.
“Spirit already treated passengers like they were in aisle nine at 9 p.m.,” a spokesperson said. “We just added a price gun.”
Spirit shut down in May after a second bankruptcy and jet fuel prices that treated the ultra-low-cost model the way a shopping cart treats a parked Civic. Dollar General reportedly won the paint job at auction over a Florida startup and a man who wanted the tail for a bass boat.
Routes will only connect towns that already have a Dollar General. No store, no destination. Executives called it “hub-and-spoke, except the hub is a parking lot.”
Fares start at $1. That dollar buys the honor of being associated with the flight. The seat is extra. The bag is extra. Water is $1. Peanuts are $1. The oxygen mask is $1 and may contain a surprise toy.
Carry-on rule: if it fits in a red shopping basket, it flies. Flight attendants will wear store smocks. In-flight entertainment is aisle-seven security footage. Wi-Fi works in the parking lot.
Former Free Spirit members are auto-enrolled in DG Perks Plus Aisles. Points redeem for a window seat, freezer burritos, or one complaint heard in the expired-coupon voice.
Asked if the planes will actually leave the ground, the spokesperson pointed at the tail.
“That’s the spirit,” he said. “Now that’s $1 extra.”