Los Angeles, CA — In a scandal that explains decades of election-night suspense, whistleblowers have revealed that California’s painfully slow ballot counting process isn’t bureaucratic incompetence, it’s sloths.
Yes, sloths.
According to leaked documents and blurry security footage, the state has been quietly employing a team of painfully slow sloths at a secret Sacramento counting facility. Dubbed “Operation Slow and Steady,” officials claim the approach ensures “maximum accuracy” and “deeply contemplative vote verification.”
“It’s not that we’re lazy, we’re just… thorough, says one ballot counting sloth. “Really, really thorough.” He then took 45 seconds to stamp one ballot while blinking in slow motion.
Sources say the program began after progressive lawmakers decided traditional counting methods were “problematic” and “insufficiently inclusive of arboreal mammals.” Each ballot is carefully sniffed, gently hugged, and contemplated for 20-45 minutes. Provisional ballots reportedly require a short nap.
California Secretary of State Shirley Weber defended the program: “While other states rush democracy, we let it marinate. Besides, the sloths union has excellent healthcare benefits and a very strong stance on climate issues.”
At press time, the 2026 election results were still being counted, though one optimistic sloth predicted they’d be finished “sometime before the next ice age.”