GENEVA — A peer-reviewed paper in The Journal of Things That Should Not Be Possible reports that Clown World is expanding at 3.2 percent per year, outpacing global GDP, the money supply, and the average attention span.
Lead author Dr. Helen Pratchett said the team used a combination of satellite imagery, late-night cable clips, and “the number of times a grown adult said ‘this is fine’ while on fire.” The clown radius, she noted, has now reached the suburbs.
Skeptics argued the methodology was unsound. The authors responded by publishing a follow-up chart in Comic Sans, which was immediately cited by three federal agencies as “best available science.”
The study recommends citizens keep a red nose in the glove box, a sense of humor in the locked drawer, and a packed bag near the door. “Not because of the clowns,” Pratchett said. “Because of the people who hired them.”
Satire. If you read this as a press release, please sit down and drink some water.