BETHESDA — In a black-tie ceremony held six feet apart from accountability, Anthony Fauci received the inaugural Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Creative Use of Gain-of-Function, a category created that morning so the trophy would have somewhere to go.
The statue is a golden syringe standing on a crushed copy of the lab-leak hypothesis. Presenters praised “decades of confidently updating the guidance in real time,” which independent translators rendered as “moving the goalposts so often they filed for workers’ comp.”
In his remarks, the honoree thanked the media for “asking the right questions, by which I mean the ones we wrote,” and the public for “trusting the science, especially the parts we classified.” He then recommended a fourth booster for the canapés.
Asked whether gain-of-function research was worth the trouble, a spokesman said the question itself was a variant of concern.
Satire. If you read this as a press release, please sit down and drink some water.