NEW YORK — A decade after it first replaced reporting, the nation’s newsrooms have voted unanimously to retain “Orange Man Bad” as the only acceptable headline, subhead, and spiritual orientation.
Editors described the decision as “data-driven.” Internal memos show that stories about wars, borders, cities, schools, and the price of eggs all underperformed a 14-word item implying a man from Queens is why the yogurt aisle feels hostile.
One veteran producer, speaking on background because joy is against guild rules, said the template has “the reliability of a fire alarm and the nutritional value of a fire alarm.” She was promoted to Senior Vice President of Narrative Continuity.
A rival outlet briefly tried “Maybe Look at This Other Thing.” It was immediately fact-checked as dangerous, and the author now writes captions for weather maps.
Satire. If you read this as a press release, please sit down and drink some water.