CAPE CANAVERAL — In a development that has left both astronomers and conspiracy theorists deeply confused, UFO sightings have plummeted nationwide following SpaceX’s announcement that Starlink now exceeds 11,000 satellites in orbit.
“It’s a nightmare up here,” said one anonymous alien source speaking through a slightly distorted ham radio. “We used to just hover and flash a few lights. Now every time we try to park, there’s a Starlink satellite already there. Last week we had to circle for forty-five minutes just to abduct a single dairy cow.”
Air Force officials confirmed the drop in unexplained aerial phenomena, noting that most recent “UFO” reports have turned out to be Starlink trains or Elon Musk’s personal sense of humor.
Local skywatchers in rural Tennessee expressed mixed feelings. “I used to see lights in the sky and wonder if they were visiting us,” said lifelong resident Earl Jenkins. “Now I just assume they’re checking their bandwidth.”
SpaceX declined to comment on the interstellar parking crisis, though one insider suggested the company is considering a premium “Alien Reserved” orbital tier for an undisclosed monthly fee.
In related news, the International Dark-Sky Association has updated its mission statement from “protecting the night sky” to “negotiating with Elon.”
Satire. Filed under entertainment, then refiled under we meant it though.