Science 2 min read
Scientists say the planet’s oblateness is down 0.002 percent, “mostly because of group chats.”
HOUSTON — NASA reported that Earth has become measurably rounder this quarter, attributing the change to “unprecedented synchronized eye-rolling across social platforms, cable news, and family dinners.”
A mission control slide labeled the phenomenon “sarcasm-induced spherification.” One scientist noted that if the trend continues, maps will finally stop arguing with globes.
Lawmakers called the day “redundant,” “emotionally hostile,” and “a scheduling error left over from the last administration.”
Chair says markets should “feel it out.” Bond traders immediately formed a drum circle on the trading floor.
Researchers recommend a 12-minute outdoor protocol before posting the phrase “actually.”
