WASHINGTON — In a rare moment of bipartisan self-awareness, the United States Congress voted 431–4 on Tuesday to dissolve itself and transfer all legislative duties to a ChatGPT instance running on a refurbished Dell tower in the Capitol basement.
The resolution, titled the Algorithmically Inevitable Governance Act, passed after a closed-door briefing in which staffers demonstrated that the model could draft a spending bill in 0.4 seconds, accept zero PAC money, and remember what it said yesterday.
Speaker of the House declined to comment, citing a 404 error. The four dissenting votes came from members who insisted they were still more corrupt than any language model — a claim researchers at Brookings called “statistically ambitious.”
Lobbyists were last seen weeping into $86 steak dinners as the new AI legislature’s first bill arrived at 14 words, contained no earmarks, and banned members from naming post offices after themselves. A follow-up prompt asking the model to “just this once, slip in a little something for the district” returned: I’m sorry, I can’t assist with that.
White House officials said they “welcome working with our new silicon colleagues,” then asked whether the model could be fine-tuned to never mention the national debt. The model replied by printing the national debt.
Satire. If you read this as a press release, please sit down and drink some water.