AUSTIN — Tesla’s driverless Cybercab officially launched on Austin streets, and local drivers are already grieving the death of their most cherished constitutional right: the sacred Texas tradition of aggressive honking.
“I’ve spent years perfecting my two-second, full-palm, pure-rage blast,” said longtime Austin resident Brad Hensley, wiping a single tear. “Now these silent robot taxis just glide past like they don’t even care that I’m late, angry, and morally superior. What’s the point of traffic anymore?”
The Cybercab, which has no steering wheel, no pedals, and apparently no soul, has been observed refusing to engage in classic Austin road behaviors. It does not brake-check. It does not ride the bumper. It does not respond to the ancient ritual of the middle finger.
One man was seen standing in the middle of Congress Avenue waving both arms and yelling “YOU CAN’T JUST BE CALM!” at a passing Cybercab that simply continued at the speed limit.
City officials reported a 94% drop in “road rage-related heart attacks” within 48 hours, a statistic locals are calling “deeply un-American.”
Tesla has not commented, but sources close to the company say Elon Musk simply replied with a single emoji when informed of the crisis: 🤖
Satire. Take two grains of salt and call us in the morning. We will not answer.
